PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY TONGUE IN CHEEK SORT OF LOOK AT A SERIOUS SUBJECT MATER....OK ITS NOT A LIST SET IN STONE!

Before the booking...

Cleanliness Have a shower - paying particular attention to washing your private parts - and brush your teeth... the chances of me being a willing participant in erotic games with you is directly proportional to your level of personal hygiene. The more you soap the closer I will get!

Have a shave
Unfortunately I dont class a "sanding-down" by a five o'clock shadow as foreplay.

Money
Have the payment ready in cash, unless otherwise agreed, and counted. You have already found out how much it is going to cost, so to spare both of us any embarrassment, make sure the amount is correct and place it in an envelope or separate from the rest of your money.

Alcohol
A Gin and Tonic to help with your nerves, or a brandy to arouse you is OK. Ten bottles of VB is not a good idea. Alcohol is a depressant rather than a stimulant and although you may think that it improves your staying power, it is more likely to prevent you from reaching orgasm at all... and beer breath is a turn-off.

Together at last...

Conversation
Be courteous. If I am visiting you.......Offer a drink... engage in a little chit-chat, treat me like a lady. Don't grope me the moment that I walk through the door. You may be paying for my services, but a little respect will pay dividends later... Detailed personal questions are a no-go area. I am with you under a business arrangement, so don't expect me to tell you my life history or innermost secrets... Under no circumstances ask:
.What does your boyfriend think about your work?
.How long have you been doing this?
.Do your parents know about your job?
.How much money do you make?
.Do you pay tax?
.Why don't you marry a rich man and forget about this work?
.How many men do you see in one night?, etc.

These are very personal and patronising questions, so don't ask them, unless you are looking for a very cool performance or equally embarrassing questions in return.

If your visiting my townhouse, please ring the doorbell once only...it rings loudly inside, and I am not deaf, so there is no need to stand there with your finger on the button pressing continously.....which only serves to draw attention to yourself. I do have neighbors who dont know what I do, and I would very much like to keep it that way for discretion purposes.

Payment
You should already have the payment ready, so at a suitable moment when I mention fixing the business side of things, hand me the payment. Don't get the money out and count it into my hand like a checkout girl at your local supermarket... and don't try the old sleight-of-hand routine and try and keep one back. And don't try a bit of last minute bartering... the prices are set. If you can't afford it, please use another service.

The Nitty Gritty...

"No" means "NO!!".
If you want a service that I do not provide...
BACK OFF!!! Don't ruin the mood.

Some more advice for less experienced would-be gentlemen:

SQUEEZING MY BREASTS. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.

BITING MY NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive, like the head of a penis. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

TWIDDLING MY NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to tune a radio station in a bad area. Pressing them in like a push button is also not ok. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF MY BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel! There are vast areas of my body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. Stroke my arms, my face, my stomach...

ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers/ tongue along the side or just above or below the clitoris.

STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you want to satisfy your companion, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. Listen to my body language, and it will go faster anyway. Ask me to tell you or show you how I like it.

UNDRESSING ME AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid I will look when naked at the waist with a blouse stuck over my head. Unwrap me like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

GIVING ME A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking me gently through my panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between my thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to my clitoris and the exterior of my vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside and see if I like it. If not, don't keep repeating it. And ensure your nails are clean and well trimmed with no rough or sharp edges.

REMEMBER YOUR NOT WAXING YOUR CAR. Some men have developed the technique of touching my clitoris and "pink bits" like they are waxing their car....the clitoris is the size of a pea....you really do not need the whole palm of your hand in a wax off wax on motion.

MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give me a sensual, relaxing massage to get me in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before I have at least made some move toward getting your clothes off, even if it's just undoing a couple of your buttons. Let me set the pace. I am a professional, & know how to do it just right..

TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first!

GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the intercourse situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. You are indulging your sensuality, not pumping gas.

GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into my thighs or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. Plus I will close my legs more to try to avoid the bruising, so you get less deep penetration.

NOT CUMMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to me, (and most women) it's more likely the mark of a dumb, insensitive jerk.

PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. NO TEETH!!!

NUDGING MY HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until I am eyeball- to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want me to use my mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to me. A lot of men don't understand that when you give to a woman first, she always gives 200% back.

NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm smells like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. It also ruins a good hairdo! When you're doing something where protection is not strictly necessary, eg. spanish, warn me before you cum so I can do what's necessary.

MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. I'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just relax there. And don't grab my head....not unless you like a bite reflex.

LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. If you persist, I will get out my 8 inch stap-on and we can see if you like it....

SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on me a bit too heavily, I will turn blue and have difficulty breathing.

Close of Play...

Only play for overtime if you can pay for overtime. Don't expect a "quickie" in the last 15 minutes... don't think that you can carry on pumping away for hours on end until you have had enough. Although I am very generous with time, the deal you have is based on time and you agreed to it in advance.
If you wish me to stay longer, by all means extend your booking.

Don't offer to buy me a drink/ a meal/ suggest going to the cinema, and expect me to do so without payment. We may have got on very well, and I may genuinely like you, but business is business and I would prefer it to be kept that way. I am like any other professional. Ever thought of what would happen if you asked your lawyer to draw up some extra contracts for you, but can he do it in his own time, at home, for free? No. Would your accountant give a few hours' advice free? No. So don't confuse the issue. Escorts are the same, but you pay for my company and sensuality and time rather than my legal or numerical knowledge & time.

If you are looking for a long term arrangement, I am available for 'relationships' with benefactors, on an arranged 3, 6 or 12 month time frame, at my required price. Substantial discounts apply for this sort of arrangement compared to my usual commercial rates.

Please contact me via EMAIL to discuss your individual requirements.

Amy Monroe